[Fic] Elisions -- TomaPi -- R

Mar. 30th, 2006 at 10:17 PM

Title: Elisions
Author: Touko
Rating: R
Fandom: JE, Johnny's Jr., Four Tops, Tomapi -- hints of Akame
Summery: It feels like it's slipping through his fingers.
A/N: I stayed up so late last night downloading some old Four Tops stuff. OMFG, I heart Four Tops like to fucking death. (AND I ACTUALLY LIKE NEWS TOO! FULL OF CONTRADICTIONS! XD)(I have like a whole gig of Four Tops stuff . . . @_@) Tomapi! (And OMG, was Kazuya not an attention whore? Even back then . . . Goodness gracious. I still heart him, even if he was (Because he was?) so chibi and attention whore-ish. . . XP ) Does this make any sense? I don't know . . . My beta reader is on spring break -- So everyone can be my beta! X3 Oh, and by the way, Yamashita just sounded better than Yamapi in here. ^^ The last line came from something I read -- it might not be verbatim -- and probably isn't because I don't ever remember where it came from -- but the last line is based off of something else.

"I used to love you."

The words go through Toma's head, floating idly, never moving, as through a constant reminder of his mistake. He concentrates on the used to and reminds himself that he made the right decision.

He remembers the night when Yamashita first came to him. The night was bleak, and Toma felt like he was going to collapse. Toma was weak -- is weak, and he didn't care. He didn't care when Yamashita apologized and smiled, trying to hug him. He didn't wish that things could be different that things with Yamashita could be fine. Toma never cares. He never wishes. He remembers that it's better that way.

He remembers the first time Yamashita kissed him. Yamashita had been talking, his eyes diverted to the ground, and then all of the sudden Yamashita was on top of him. Yamashita's lips were warm and Yamashita was crushing Toma, both with his lips and the force behind them. Toma was whimpering and then they were sharing an unskilled, sloppy kiss. It had been such an influx of emotion, and feeling, that Yamashita had had to touch himself, and Toma had come at just the thought. Toma has to remember that sex is just sex. And passion is just passion.

He remembers the night with the bed. Yamashita naked, panting, Toma's name. Yamashita on his back, limbs spread, and Toma had pressed kisses to his chest, to his thighs and finally to his cock. It had tasted salty and sweaty, and just so Yamashita that all Toma had wanted to do forever and ever was have his fill, so it was the only thing he would ever remember. He had taken Yamashita's cock deeper, harder, taking more and more until he had gagged and spit. But then Yamashita was coming, Yamashita's come hitting the back of Toma's throat burning and choking him. Toma frowns and tries to remember that.

He remembers the night Yamashita first took him. Yamashita was so lean, so beautiful, in the pale moonlight and when he'd asked Toma, Toma couldn't say no. Yamashita had been gentle, and soft, pushing his cock in slowly, letting Toma get used to the feeling. It had still hurt. Toma had felt like he was being ripped into two pieces, and tears prickled at the corners of his eyes. Then Toma had let out a scream from the back of his throat, and Yamashita pushed forward hitting the one spot, and causing his vision to almost black out. After it all, Yamashita had whispered things onto his skin. What, Toma can't remember.

He remembers the feeling of it all. Hot stage lights, tight clothing sticking to his skin. Fans cheering him on, adrenaline; a strange sort of loopy feeling in his veins. Most of all he remembers the feel of Yamashita singing beside him, and the feeling in the pit of his stomach, as he'd look over at him, catch his eyes, and then watch him. He'll always remember that.

He remembers the day it all changes. He remembers the moments leading up to it. The greedy man, looking down at him, Yamashita standing beside him, trying not to look at Toma. He remembers the clenching in his chest, the feeling undesirable and foreign. He remembers cornering Yamashita after the announcement, and asking if it's true. He remembers getting into the taxi, can still see the steps leading up to his flat, but most of all he remembers Yamashita throwing him down on the bed, the last time. He remembers the last time far too vividly.

He remembers what should have been the last morning after, and the minutes preluding it. Toma had woken up, and felt someone missing, something gone. The sheets were sticky, and the room was warm, too warm for April. He remembers walking out of the room, seeing Yamashita, hearing the words, It's no use, recalls the connotation of You're not worth it but most of all he remembers the sound of himself slamming the door behind Yamashita and walking away.

He remembers the letters Yamashita had sent him every now and again. A quick note about what he was doing, just a little scribe telling Toma that he still cared, that he still thought of him once in a while. Toma opened every single one of them, and read every line until even when he closed his eyes he could still see Yamashita's cramped handwriting. Toma had always been one to pick at wounds, and hope for scars.

He remembers when he finally picked up and moved to Yokohama. Out of the flat, away from Tokyo. Away from the smog of memories and the memories of smog. The letters stopped then, the chance meetings in the hallway, that led to nothing but odd words and even stranger feelings. Those are some of Toma's worst memories, but he still remembers them.

He remembers the pain he felt when Jin told him. He remembers thinking about the model's hands, fingers, lips on Yamashita's skin and still feels weak inside. He doesn't understand what about her makes him fill with such intense hatred. It's not because she's simply female. It's something else, something he'll never know, and really doesn't want to find out.

He remembers having no choice. It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you can't control your path, that any decision you make will just be turned over. It's what happened when he declined the Shonen Club invitation. You're doing it. he remembers the sinking feeling in his stomach, remembers thinking that Yamashita was just going to laugh at him. Remind him how weak he was. Being around Yamashita always made Toma remember how weak he is.

He remembers seeing Yamashita that day. He remembers hearing Yamashita say his name, the sound of it far more foreign than anything Toma could ever have imagined. He remembers seeing Yamashita smile, smile at him -- smile at him in that way. He remembers smiling back, feeling that this was where he belonged, where he needed to be.

He remembers feeling drunk. He remembers Yamashita meeting him after and kissing him and he remembers being drunk with the feeling. He remembers Yamashita asking him, begging him for a chance, just this one moment. He remembers the moment he succumbs. He can still feel see Yamashita's face -- fuller, more wonderful than it used to be and still knows that he made the right choice.

He remembers feeling like it was a dream, but knowing that it wasn't.

It's a little while after Shonen Club when Kazuya visits. Kazuya's visits are few and far between, and Toma always enjoys them. They are sitting on Toma's bed talking, Kazuya looking mellow and Toma just trying to keep from exploding, from telling Kazuya what he did. "They broke up you know." Kazuya says suddenly, breaking the calm silence that had been established.

"Who?" Toma asks as though he doesn't know.

"Yamapi and the model. One minute they were together, and the next. . .Well they aren't together anymore."

"That's nice," Toma responded, trying to act calm, cool and collected, when inside he's exploding with a hundred different emotions.

"What's wrong with you Toma?" Kazuya raises a elegant eyebrow. "You've always been protective of what's yours."

"The same could be said of you, Kazuya." Toma knows it's not nice, Kazuya doesn't need him interfering. He doesn't need Toma to judge his and Jin's relationship, but Toma doesn't need Kazuya to judge his and Yamashita's.

"Some things are fruitless to protect but some. . ." Kazuya smiles and pulls a ticket out from his back pocket. "Aren't." The ticket is to Tokyo.

*&*

"She left me," Yamashita says, eyes never wavering from their place on Toma. "I told her what happened. . .After Shonen Club, and she left me."

Toma knows he should comfort Yamashita. They used to be friends, before they were so much more -- it's the least he can do. "Do you want her back?" Toma asks, instead.

Yamashita doesn't answer right away. The room is dark, and Toma wishes it wasn't. He wishes that he could see Yamashita, wishes he could see his eyes, his face, see what he's missed. "I -- Are you back?"

It's just like Yamashita to answer a question with a question. "I don't --"

"Because if you're back Toma -- I don't want her. If you're back I want you."

It would be so easy to say no. Toma knows this. To go back to his nice flat in Yokohama, to reply on dreams to help him make it through the day. But he doesn't want to, he for once wants to let go, give up, accept his fate. "I'm back."

The first kiss clears all memories of the last.

Mood: tired
Music:w-inds. - Kageboushi

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( 31 comments — Leave a comment )

ureshii_ebi wrote:

Mar. 31st, 2006 06:38 am (UTC)

Gorgeous. ♥ If it wasn't 1:30 AM right now I'd have a more coherent comment. ... Maybe. :D;;;

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chibi_panda wrote:

Mar. 31st, 2006 09:05 pm (UTC)

♥

Thank you... 1:30 AM...coherency is usually limited at around that time.

Thanks for commenting! I'm glad you liked it!

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[Fic] Elisions -- TomaPi -- R

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